Thinking Ahead While Thinking Back...

When we were working towards our goal to be a "foster to adopt" family, I remember praying for God to give us the children that He wanted us to have.  I knew I could trust Him to not give us more than we could handle and the roller coaster we were on emotionally was also not more than we could bear with His wisdom playing into all this.  I remember praying before we ever had foster children in our home, that we would be able to teach them to love the Lord with all their hearts, souls, and minds (Luke 10:27).  I admit that I never really thought ahead to what that process might look like.  I never gave thought to how I myself would learn to love the Lord with all MY heart, all MY soul, and all MY might even more through the journey of parenting.  I am that mom who has spent a lot tears while toiling on as a parent.  At times I feel so weak and fragile, wanting for rest and yet not able to rest because God isn't done yet so I must keep on keeping on, guarding my heart so as to not become bitter and jealous of other moms who children are more submissive to God's working in their hearts.  I go back to that quote I read a couple weeks ago in an office and have shared here on my blog.  That quote, to remind you, read "when you did what you did, what did you expect to happen?"  When I prayed that we would be able to teach our children to love the Lord with all their hearts, souls, and mind, I didn't expect that I would be the one learning to do just that.  Sure, I thought I loved the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind before this parenthood journey, but I had never anticipated how much that would be tested later on.  To trust the Lord while you are loving Him with your entire being takes a great faith...and at times my faith has been small.  To pray "Lord, regardless of how this ends, I know that it was all a part of your plan to grow me" takes a faith that I never knew I could have.  I pray often and yet in the middle of praying, many times "but what if" comes to mind and I find myself in panic mode for a few seconds until I grasp back to Christ and pray "I know You are bigger than the what ifs in life.  Help my unbelief right now, Lord."  I cannot take for granted that this story will have a happy ending.  God doesn't promise happy endings.  He promises to be with us right there through the everything, however, and His grace is sufficient for me: for His strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me (from 2 Corinthians 12:9).  So my friends, if you are weary and in need of strength, rest in the fact that God loves you and knows what you need to grow stronger.  I am preaching to myself here as well...and I needed to remind myself of just that today.