OUCH!

Today I took steps.  Literally.  I took steps.  I wish I could say it was easy.  It was not.  In fact, it was painful.  I was having a conversation in my head that went something like this:

"Why did you have to let yourself go this far from obedience?"
No answer
"Do you remember when you could walk 2 miles easily, with hardly any pain?"
"Yes."
"You let it all go.  For what?"
No answer
"Do you how stupid that was?"
"Yes."
"You can't even walk more than a half mile now without praying you can actually make it home.  Just think of where you could have been if you had kept with it."
"I know."

I knew it would be bad.  With all the stresses of parenting of late, my body has been screaming in pain...all over pain...for the past month.  Now those who have seen me in person are probably thinking "you don't look like you are in pain or you don't act like you in pain."  It is because I endure pain daily...and have for years thanks to my hip joint.  You all don't need to bear that with me.  It is a way of life.   But the past week has been really bad.  My psoriasis has been in over drive (up until today...it seems to be improving today) on my face, some days so itchy that it drives me nuts.  I have done research and the same immune disorders that cause psoriasis can cause wide spread pain as well.  It is actually linked to psoriatic arthritis and is an indicator of fibromyalgia, which i have had suspicion of because the trigger points in ones body for that are often times painful for me.  The following comes as no surprise me as well.  Stress is a trigger.  Add to that my low back in constant pain (unless i stick to the 600mg Ibuprofen 4 times a day) and I feel a total mess.

Shopping hurts.
I haven't tried volleyball in the past month with our church teams because of weather and because of illness...but I will try tomorrow evening.  I need it to get some exercise...LOL  I will just make sure to take the Ibuprofen before hand.
Today I walked a half mile...and about a block from home I wasn't sure if I could even make it.  Every step hurt and took great effort.  BUT I DID IT.  I will try again tomorrow.  And the next day. And the next....Lord willing.  I need to be able to walk while at the Creation Museum when we go. 

I was also beating myself up for not getting rid of the stress.  After all, I am keeping up with my devotions, praying constantly through the day...I shouldn't have stress at all.  Then it hit me.  Stress is truly a part of life...and some days, weeks, months there is more of it than others.  God knows this.  He doesn't let us be tempted beyond what we can handle, but no where does it say that we will never have freedom from the results of stress...the psoriasis, the wide spread pain, etc....  But He does promise we will be able to bear it.  I know it has been a kick in the pants for me to get on track and in that case, it is useful to endure it. 

I have not weighed myself in 3 weeks.   Not more to say about that other than I need to be back on track with that as well.  I cannot blame anyone but myself.  I made the choices.  But I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and press toward the mark.  Grace is what that is called.  Some mercy thrown in too.  Counting it all joy to be in a place where life is painful because this is where God can work on my heart.