You Mean THIS is the Path for Me....

...But I am too weak!!!

Today I have been thinking on the message from last night at church.  It was a message I needed...and God knew that.  In fact, I one point I was in tears because of the relief I felt.  So thankful we chose to sit in the last row...usually we are in the 3rd row with my folks but we were running late and our spot was taken.  I know that was part of God's timing too.  :)

The passage was Exodus 13:17-22.

¹⁷ And it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God led them not through the way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near; for God said, Lest peradventure the people repent when they see war, and they return to Egypt:
¹⁸ But God led the people about, through the way of the wilderness of the Red sea: and the children of Israel went up harnessed out of the land of Egypt.
¹⁹ And Moses took the bones of Joseph with him: for he had straitly sworn the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you; and ye shall carry up my bones away hence with you.
²⁰ And they took their journey from Succoth, and encamped in Etham, in the edge of the wilderness.
²¹ And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night:
²² He took not away the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people.

God did not choose to lead His people through the easy the path, the one that was near.  He led them through the wilderness where it was a lot more challenging.  He promised to go with them and He met their needs as they went along.  He even provided direction with the cloud by day and the fire by night and "He took not away the pillar of cloud by day, or the pillar of fire by night, from before the people."  It was on the last two verses that it struck me how the challenges in raising a very strong willed adopted daughter were exactly the path that God chose for me.  Now, I have known this all along...but to put it in context of the Lord providing the pillars of cloud and fire (His promises in His Word) to guide me in this challenging and sometimes heart wrenching path just gripped me last night.  It is still gripping me this morning.  How many times I have prayed "Lord, I cannot do this any more" while the tears were pouring my down my face.  And yet He knows I can do this.  He chose this more difficult path to show me that I am still needing to depend on Him.  I need to trust the pillars of cloud and fire to get me through this season of life, walking in obedience and not walking away and abandoning the path.

One day I was feeling really down and was sharing with a friend of mine that it hasn't been easy.  She said "Ruth, many adoptive parents would have given up by now if they were in your shoes. I have watched it happen in other families.  Your path is harder than even my path was as a parent of my own children and there were times I wanted to throw in the towel.  To be honest, I would rather suffer physical pain than to endure the pain of heart wrenching emotions brought on by someone else.  But you know what?  God knew He could trust you with this path, to not give up.  You have a determination that most women wish they had."  At first I was taken back...I don't see myself as determined.  I see myself as taking one thing at a time and sometimes utterly failing because of my anger that sometimes overwhelms me.  But I let what she said sink in.  I am doing this.  I am walking this sometimes pothole filled path, tripping and stumbling and all the while growing in grace and knowledge, even though at times I don't how I can even get back up and keep going.

There are times I wonder if things will get harder and I am gripped with the fear of "what ifs" and it is during those times that I need to remember the pillars of cloud and fire will not depart from me.  Trust in His promises.  Rest in His mercy.  Keep on keeping on.